my mother gave it to me before she died. it was her lucky machete.

first of all, seriously you guys.  can I just say THANK YOU to my facebook friends for a minute?!  I got some super encouraging responses to my last post on there, and it was really nice.  thank you for making me feel like i’m not alone!!  i am not the hugest fan of facebook, but i am so glad to have real friends on there!

I think I just waver sometimes on being a stay-at-home mom because I feel like my kids aren’t quite where they should be in certain ways.  and since i’m the one who spends the most time with them, doesn’t that make it MY fault?  I don’t know.  but I can’t really talk about parenting on this blog, since my 12yr old told me yesterday:  DON’T BLOG ABOUT ME.  EVER.  lol.  a picture here and there is ok, but no details.  so…no details ;)

so we’ll talk about the ‘other’ part of staying home…

pants and I have gone over this like a million times, but for right now it just WORKS when i…don’t.  ha.  pants travels out of the country a LOT and is really building his career, so it just makes sense for us that i take the support role.  we have other plans for the future, but for now our roles are very 1950’s.  and pants is soooo thankful he doesn’t have to deal with any household details.  ever.  hmm…

i will say pants is actually really good about telling me how much he appreciates that i take care of the household stuff.  although my idea of a compliment is more ‘oh baby you so sexxxy….’ and not ‘wow, i love how you take care of our family by organizing the pantry and stocking the fridge!’  eh, love languages…

i hesitate to say it, but i am *kinda sorta* good at running the household efficiently.  i’m a pretty organized person, but now that i have time at home while the kids are in school, i am really getting it.  like, i have a little cleaning/house-type routine i do during weekday mornings that works pretty well.  it’s not perfect – my house is always kind of a mess on the weekends when we are all home, and the whole having-to-feed-everyone-constantly-else-they-will-die thing feels like a lot of pressure to me.  but i’m mostly ok with this role.

i think the depression part happened when both kids went back to school this fall, and suddenly I was like, um…now what??  i was no longer homeschooling, and no longer volunteering at the school 3-4 days a week like i had been for the past 6 years (yes, i even did that while homeschooling…i am insane).  so I kind of waffled with what to do and got a little depressed.  and then pants and i were, i don’t know, strangers? for awhile and i got a LOT depressed…

ok, this is getting way too long lol.  next time maybe i will tell you how i climbed out of my depressed lonely state without using traditional meds…i am learning SO much about depression right now, and how to manage it on a daily basis…the mind is so weirdly fascinating. also, just to keep it real?  this fall was TOUGH with pants and i, you guys!!  although it was kind of…my fault.  ahem.  anyway, we can talk about all that later ;)


2 thoughts on “my mother gave it to me before she died. it was her lucky machete.

  1. love your honesty here and I hope that it is also healing for you to get these words out.

    i'm really glad you are back and am eagerly awaiting for the next post. you are touching on some subjects that are hitting close to home.


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